Lindy’s Choice, Part 3
Sunday, November 29th, 2009Did you miss part 1? Lindy’s Choice Part 1 it is here.
Did you miss part 2? Lindy’s Choice Part 2 it is here.
Lindy’s Choice
Part 3
© 2009 patty
Lindy avoided Steve and his secretary when she returned to the office. She was mindful of the apologies she was required to offer them, but her mind was so raw, she couldn’t trust herself not to cry if she tried making them right away. She wasn’t exactly practiced in making apologies. Except in jest, until these last few days, she couldn’t recall ever having had a reason to give one she had to mean.
Sitting at her desk watching the fractal images morph through the progression of mathematic parameters she set, a tear escaped and itched as it trickled down her left cheek. Lindy let herself realize that she really had not ever had a reason to offer an apology. She’d just never really payed attention to the reactions of others to things she did and said that most people either wouldn’t say or do. She realized that she’d been oblivious and didn’t really know who she cared enough about that she shouldn’t need to be told to apologize for thoughtless things she did to them.
Lindy lost most of her afternoon to internal struggles with some of her memories, Her reverie was peppered with alternately petulant self defensive justifications and a few almost genuine regrets. She heard Brian and Steve’s voice echo in her mind when her thoughts approached regrets, “there are no do overs, only do better from now on. Some people will never let you be a better person, but the ones who really matter will.”
Some people avoided and seemed to dislike her, Lindy knew that. For the first time in her life, Lindy was having her attention directed to how she herself may have had something to do with that. So far in her life it had been easy to blindly brush them off as unworthy, she was the brilliant and talented one after all. Now she almost dared to half wonder how many had she pushed away with her actions and attitude. How many could have been friends, allies and creative partners?
Once, years ago, her father tried to sit her down after she’d been suspended from high school. The discussion puzzled Lindy for a while and then it disappeared into her sub conscience. She’d never really gotten much meaning out of it until it came back into her mind on the bus ride back to work from her second discipline session with Brian.
“Lindy my princess,” her father’s voice echoed, “it can be a harsh lesson, but burned bridges can rarely ever be rebuilt back to the safe place they once connected us to. When we’re blessed with altering that truth, the work involved tends break and cost us so much that we almost never survive the effort whole enough to fully appreciate what we’ve achieved.“ Lindy remembered that her father’s expression was serious, but his words confused her.
“Daddy I never burned anything,” she puzzled.
“You didn’t? When you’re older and you have a project you want to sell, do you think Sarah Fleming or any of her friends will invite you to help them even if they need your amazing talents?”
“So what if they don’t Daddy. Smarter people than those rich bitches will. I’m the best, right, you said so?”
The conversation ended.
Lindy recalled the sadness in her father’s expression from that moment for the first time as she road the bus back to work. Until that came back to her all she remembered was that he embraced, hugged and kissed her. Her strongest memory of the conversation was how he’d stroked her hair and held her almost too tight. She didn’t know until years later that the Headmistress wanted Lindy expelled. Her father paid for repairs to the floor of the gym and Lindy went on to graduate, oblivious to the costs (human, economic and for that matter social) of her actions. Try as she might, Lindy could not remember what she had done, though she knew it couldn’t have been more than a snide remark toward Sarah Fleming proffered in response to some inane class presentation.
“Sarah was always such a simpering whiner. ‘Good for you Sarah,’ ‘well done Sarah,’ all because she was rich. If everyone didn’t fawn all over her she got her crew to beat them up. Even the teachers! Not me though. Sarah was afraid of me. I’m richer and I actually have a brain!”
“I have a brain!”
“Yes you do,” Steve quietly closed the door to Lindy’s office.
“OH YOU ASS! WHAT THE HELL!” Lindy screamed and startled enough to nearly tip over her chair.
Steve broke down into paroxysms of laughter.
“GET OUT! YOU ASS! YOU Scared the living SHIT out of me!” Lindy burst into tears.
Steve took several minutes to regain composure. “You should talk to yourself more often. Lots of us who love you would get snippets of why we love you,” Steve smiled.
“I was talking to myself?” Lindy sobbed.
“For a few minutes, yes,” Steve nodded.
“And you listened and didn’t tell me?” Lindy reared up, regaining some of her armor. “YOU BASTARD!”
“Honey, I’m on your side, remember?” Steve moved toward Lindy and brushed her mussed hair off her face.
“But you tricked me into all of this you ass, never mind eaves dropping, you have no business crawling around in my fears!” Lindy fell back into tears.
“If not me, who doll?” Steve lifted her chin. “Look at me.”
Lindy obeyed.
“I’ve put up with your intractable selfishness, your cruelty to every one you deem inferior. I’ve asked myself why do I care about you hundreds of times. The answer is that I’ve seen you laugh, I’ve seen the rare moments of generosity you’ve gifted a few, I’ve seen the cloud that crosses your face when you hurt people. Your talent and your smarts rank way below your potential little lady. The gutters are lined with talented people whose humanity got lost in selfish ambition and callous behaviors. I see the person you are and have learned to hide. I’m taking a chance that Judge Bradley’s formula is something that you can thrive with. And, after what I’ve just heard I’m more sure than ever. On day one no less!” Steve gave Lindy a somewhat firm pat on her back.
“I’m so mixed up, nobody should trust my thoughts, not even me!” Lindy sobbed.
“You’ve got a lot on your plate Lindy. I know that. On the one hand you’re being pushed into a kind of do over childhood where there is no argument or discussion. You’re getting spanked and you’re getting rules imposed and this is completely foreign to you. No means no for the first time in your life now and you just have to adapt to the lines most folks learned as children. It’s for many, many reasons - a few of them are not fair, we all know that, but we’ve adapted. Some times no is just a social line. Most of the time no is based on ages old wisdom and hard learned truths. Social or essential, no means no and excellence depends on understanding it, when it should be challenged, and when it should be respected. No is not a line any of us should ignore. You don’t know the word no, but you need to. On another hand you’re getting insights into and a chance to repair some relationships you didn’t even know you’d damaged. Best of all you have a chance to develop and knit some simple human skills to your exceptional talents and become more than just another bright light that burns out before you get to make a real difference in the world.” Steve’s next pat between her shoulder blades was harder.
“Stop hitting me OK!” Lindy coughed. “I know!”
“Alright then, you have an assignment that’s already late,” Steve crossed his arms and took a stance in front of Lindy’s desk. “Christine’s already gone home.”
“It’s a lot to take in right now OK!” Lindy whined. “I couldn’t do it and mean it with my ass on fire and my mind in a hurricane!”
“Where’s your heart Lindy?” Steve approached her, lifted her up and hugged her.
“It’s lost Steve. It’s even more mixed up than my mind. I’m crying all the time now. I can’t find it. I’m all self pity. I don’t care about anyone but me right now! I hate me! I’m so lonely. Who could like me the way I am? How can I tell anyone else that I care about them now? It’ll be wrong, shallow and selfish. I’m not doing it.” Lindy sobbed into her boss’s chest.
“It’ll go hard on you.” Steve sighed.
“I know, but can’t he care about how hard it is?” Lindy tried to bargain.
“And if he did would he be fair? Isn’t it all the chances you’ve been given that you never got called on part of why you’re here? No more chances doll. That’s part of the agreement you signed on for.” Steve’s hug tightened and then released. Lindy lifted her gaze to lock eyes with him.
“You knew didn’t you?” she half smiled.
“You needed me to didn’t you?” his eyes softened, his hug tightened just a bit.
“I didn’t really, but maybe I do now. You tricked me Steve.” Lindy grimaced.
“My prayer is that you’ll thank me someday and that you’ll stick around and live up to your potential instead of forcing me to constantly fend off demands to fire you mija. OK?” Steve pecked Lindy’s forehead and let her go.
“Thank you Steve. I’m sorry I’ve been such a crap employee.” Lindy sighed, dropped her eyes from his and another tear escaped her tight control.
“Too little too late mija. It’s five hours past 1PM when you were supposed to offer your apologies at least to my receptionist. As for the apology I had to coax from you now, I accept the sentiment except for one part… you have never been a ‘crap’ employee. Difficult yes, crap never. Be honest with Brian tonight alright? He will go hard, it’s his job, but he cares too. All progress is noted and earns rewards.” Steve reached back and pulled her into another hug and tightened it again. “You’re special and don’t you dare forget it.”
Lindy said her good nights to her boss, accepted his paternal embraces and thanked him for his genuine appreciation for her skill and the value that what she brought to the table offered his business. Lindy found a reason to smile when he patted her bottom and left her with a promise … ‘If you don’t shoot yourself down, you’ll be a value added asset no matter where you go or what you do.’
Lindy looked up at the clock. It was 7PM. She had accomplished almost nothing but self pity all afternoon, and now she had to go home to more of it. Her bottom didn’t hurt any more though when she stood she felt the thickness of a bruise the brush left on her right sit spot. How odd she thought. Every spanking story she’d ever read talked about the long lingering sensations. Her morning spanking stung and burned like blazes, but by mid morning it was more an intellectual and emotional memory than a physically palpable one. Come noon when another spanking loomed real, the morning’s was barely a tingle - that is until Brian’s hand smacked her, and then the sting was all the way back and his hand hurt so much more than the strap did. What was tonight going to be like?
After what seemed like forever getting home by bus, Lindy’s heart fluttered in her chest. She was later than usual. She didn’t have time to get groceries or wine, so she ordered Pizza, poured Vodka, orange juice and peach Schnapps over ice and then went to the bathroom to wash up and change into her nightgown.
“Gawd!” she cringed when after her ablutions she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. Her softly printed and expensive Calida gown covered her frame all the way to her ankles, but her deep red, black and otherwise unquantifiably colored Sherpa sweater protected the modesty her more delicate gown didn’t. “Why do I have to cover me up so I look so ugly?”
Lindy sipped her now ice cold bravery beverage and the doorbell rang. Her whole body fried with electric panic. She gulped her courage concoction more deeply.
As it turned out it was her Pizza. On time for the 1st time ever. MMMMMMMMMMM Lindy wolfed down three pieces before taking another sip of her cocktail.
Then the doorbell rang again. It was 9 PM. Only Divine intervention could make this someone other than Brian and what was coming. Lindy couldn’t help the tears that stained her face when she answered the door.
Brian noticed her tears.
“Don’t tell me you’re trying to glean sympathy already?” his question was tentative.
“”Fuck you!” Lindy retorted. “Just do what you’re here to do and leave my feelings out of it!”
“No Lindy, your feelings are NOT going to be kept out of it.” Brian tried to open a dialogue.
“NO!” Lindy put her hands on her hips and defied him. “I don’t trust you or believe you! You’ve found a better way than jail to hurt me! Make me hate myself! Jail would be safer than this lonely insecure place you’ve helped me dig myself into. I’d be stronger in jail! Here I’m now just a blithering crying half assed piece of myself! I’ve never been a crybaby. Last time I cried was when my Daddy died. Not just that, you’re tricking me into seeing my friends as traitors and worse sycophants who just tolerate me for what they can get from going along with and riding my ideas even though they hate me! In jail I’d know who was who and who I am!”
“That may be, but in jail you’d live in fear like you’ve never known.” Brian warned.
“Like fear of having my ass blistered and my self esteem beaten to a pulp isn’t a fear I’ve never known!” Lindy sobbed
“Try fear of being killed.” Brian whispered.
“Yeah right, like I’d have to deal with that.” Lindy heaved.
“Let’s put that aside for now. You and I will address that in a concrete session within the next thirty days. Right now you have a bed time spanking and some consequences for not following up on a directive. Normally I prefer bedtime spankings to be reinforcements of the whole plan. I don’t like it when my day ends with this compounded by punishment. Can you grasp why?”
Lindy closed her eyes. She got the idea to an extent, but since in her mind she was actually being punished for everything she’d ever said or done, past and present after all, she had her own concerns. “This isn’t about what you prefer, is it?” Lindy regretted saying that as soon as her mouth opened, but the retort had a mind of its own so she quickly launched into a confused blather of half reasoned thoughts.
“What’s the difference? I’m me. I’ve always been me. If I’m so bad I deserve to be punished what’s the difference if you spank me for past deeds. FRANKLY YOU HOLIER THAN THOU dweebs, if you have to spank, do it for now stuff!”
Brain was far too quick on the up take for Lindy’s argumentative capacity. “That my young protege is a given. You have much to learn from your mistakes, as you will eventually come to know well. Your bare backside, your sense of yourself and your connection with all of us is eluding you right now. Turn off the self pity now. You’re getting punished for being reckless and you’re being guided to develop some self discipline and follow some ground rules other than those dictated by your impulses and selfish wants.”
Lindy only blinked. Brian just reached out his hand and sat down in the middle of Lindy’s plush sofa.
“”Please don’t make it hurt!” Lindy pleaded as she helped Brian pull her night gown up to uncover her bare bottom for her third court mandated spanking.
“Very good,” Brian smacked her left cheek. “No panties. Let’s make sure this is how you dress for each bedtime spanking alright?”
Lindy shook her head no, but said, “yes ok.”
Brian did as he was required, and Lindy cried, struggled and begged. At the end of her prescribed spanking, she cried and begged through the 50 extra she earned from the position and hand breaches during her first session. Everyone, even Brian felt the addition was harsh, but in this endeavor promises were credibility’s’ currency.
After the twenty minute session reached its close, LIndy tried to get up.
“No, not yet. I want to hear how your apologies went this afternoon,” Brian pressed his left arm down over the small of Lindy’s back.
“I couldn’t do it,” Lindy’s whisper was a sob. “I did tell Steve I was sorry but not until he came and asked me. I just don’t know what to say to Christine. I didn’t even know that was her name until tonight when I was talking to Steve. This whole thing has me so confused. If you want to know, I got nothing done except crying all afternoon.”
“What are you thinking and crying about Lindy?” Brian asked and his tone made it clear that he really wanted to know.
“I can’t tell you, you’ll just spank me harder,” Lindy sobbed.
“Maybe, but if it took up your whole afternoon and kept you from following through on a commitment that required discipline, I think it’s important, don’t you?”
“I don’t know how to apologize OK? I’ve never done it before and I don’t know that woman,” Lindy cringed.
“You don’t know that woman?” the timber in Brian’s voice shifted. “How does that matter if you knew her well enough to throw a bag of food at her, you don’t know her well enough to say you were sorry you did that?”
“It’s not like that!” Lindy tried to push up and get off his lap.
“Tell me,” Brian held her down.
“I didn’t throw food at her. I threw food into her trash can.” Lindy hissed.
“A trash can three feet behind her so the bag missed her face and shoulder by less than an inch.” Brian had done his homework.
“Fine OK so spank me again. I’m too tired for any more of this,” Lindy let her body go limp. She just wanted this day over.
Brian smacked her twice more and told her to stand up and look at him. Lindy stood, but she kept her eyes down cast.
“Look at me,” Brian warned.
“No,” Lindy whispered, “I’m too tired for anymore of this today.”
“Look at me now!” Brian’s voice boomed.
His voice startled Lindy and she shifted her gaze so that his blazing eyes captured hers.
“We’re not going to deal with this tonight, but we will in the days to come. Tomorrow you will get to work on time and you will be in my office at 12:30 p.m. sharp. I will speak with your employer. You will plan to spend all afternoon engaged in some disciplinary activities.” Brian’s eye flashed with meaning.
“All afternoon?” Lindy drew a sharp breath and didn’t dare avert her gaze.
“All afternoon,” Brian nodded. “Bring some pencils and a couple of legal pads with you.”
“Legal pads?”
“You said you don’t know how to apologize, I think you need some time with only motivating distractions to start developing that skill. You also need to start mapping your path down off that ‘me first mountain’ you’re living on. First lessons will serve both.” Brian stood up crooked his finger under Lindy’s chin and smiled gently. “I know this is going to take a while to sink in and it’ll be a while before you’re able to be objective, but trust me ‘princess’ get off the ‘poor me island.‘ It’s floating on tears and they’re all of the crocodile variety.”
Lindy blushed and more tears escaped onto her cheeks. “You’re mean.”
“Nope, I’m firm and I believe in a talented young lady named Lindy. And, sadly I’m standing with her, and she doesn’t even know who she is or what it is about her that so many people believe in. We’ll change that though, I have faith. Now you obey your curfew and get to bed.”
“I’m not sleepy and my curfew is home by nine p.m. there’s no bed time in the deal. If there was then you’d be the one in violation now wouldn’t you,” Lindy sassed and sighed.
“I can wear you out with what you have coming for failing to follow up on your apology commitment if you need it,” Brian chuckled as he gathered his coat and brief case.
“No, that can keep until tomorrow,” Lindy shrugged, she really was exhausted even if she wasn’t willing to say so.
“Good girl. Sleep well and don’t be late for work. There are only so many chances allowed. Defiance during discipline, bad behavior at work, disregard for others, failure to complete a disciplinary assignment, these all go in my weekly report to Judge Bailey. Trust me, he’s a whole lot less understanding and no where near as patient as I am.” Brian caught Lindy’s wrist and pulled her close as he spoke. He planted a soft kiss on her forehead. “You’re not in this alone, alright? Lots of people have faith in you.”
When her front door closed and she heard the clank of the freight elevator close, Lindy shook her head. Six more months less one day more of this!
