Amazing what you can Find when you pick a simple key word and surf from place to place isn’t it? This artist’s work is just amazing…
Her name is Audrey Kawasaki, the gallery of her paintings is breath taking, makes me want to try wood as a medium… just keep clicking the next link on the upper right side. So lyrical and sensual…. just amazing. She has a blog too.
1st of all, thank you everyone for your kind e-mails, and please don’t feel like you need to walk on eggshells. You may post your wishes publically. No one will be hurt by them. The only thing I ask is that folks not assume fault or make recriminations. I feel a very profound respect and yes filial love for John. While I might have questions and even doubtful opinions about his why’s, I respect that he has the same about mine. We both did a very brave thing taking a chance and seeking each other as partners. Nobody needs to take sides, since we haven’t. Chances are we’re going to remain friends, perhaps even more relaxed friends now. God willing, our friendship will retain the special and uniquely open frankness that we’ve shared so far. He need’s to lighten up & I need to wise up. It’s easier to say just come out and say stuff like that to a friend that you enjoy and respect than to a new lover you don’t want to hurt…. ya know? Yes I know it’s far, far more meaningful to feel safe to say that kind of thing to an invested life partner… but that’s not always the way the cards play out. Only time will tell.
John and I made a mutual decision that at this point in time neither of us is right for the other in an intimate love/significant other relationship. Of course it’s a source of profound sadness for me, as I know it is for John also, but may I be clear and assure everyone that I feel no regrets for embarking on the adventure with him, nor should I. We’re both feeling some pain about the abandoned/*lost* possibilities, but embracing realism is not something either of us should ever regret. We both enjoyed the sweetness of getting to know each other through the possibility of intimacy, and yes, the pain isn’t negligible, but our choice to stop at friends with just this kink and shared love of art are not failures either.
Just a minor vanity note though… My baggage, per se, is not the primary *why* behind the decision. That whole can of worms, including things none of you know or will ever know, was opened, recognized and on the table between us from the beginning. He had a significant advantage there in that he came in knowing things few other suitors ever get to know until the squabbles begin and the demons emerge. Please remember that both people in any couple bring baggage into the mix. I suspect that the reason some of you think I wrecked this relationship somehow is that y’all know what’s in my baggage from the heaviest boulders to the finest accumulated grains and pebbles, for some of you it’s a natural leap to assume my issues were the root cause behind our decision to call it off. *Smile*, hey, I understand, and fully acknowledge that yes, I said and did things that contributed to the feelings and chemistry that influenced our decision. Buy hey, while I’m the public person who has chosen to put her internal reality out here in blog land, I will never betray John’s preference not to. Let’s just say that I know he will not disagree that his baggage, so-to-speak, was at least an equal factor, and in truth, ultimatly much more than that, as a divisive force between us as intimate partners at this point in time.
John told me he hoped I’d put my personal ad back up. I don’t quite feel up to that for now. I’ve kind of retreated back into the safe arms of the one man who loved me anyway whether I was skinny or tubby, mobile or restricted by injury or physical changes/condition.
Many things will be different in a few months. I will have reached my goal size 10 and a weight that is physically safer for an optimal total knee replacement…. Once I get to that healthier weight, I’ll feel fewer fears about having the surgery even if I can’t find a facility within my insurance network that offers the kind of epidural anesthesia and post op pain control I wish for. I’ve found a surgeon who has a good track record with the joint I need, just not a hospital where I’d feel safe getting the anesthesia or post op rehab that would optimize my outcomes… (nope not even mine.) Sure I could do it with IM or IV pain control like millions before me - but hey, if you had an addictive personality like mine and you were desperate not to trigger its helpless beggar state, wouldn’t you seek a pain control choice where negligable to nil amounts of narcotics were involved ??? - and since millions have also been alloweed this epidural option, and it’s safer and with the joint my surgepn wants to give me would have me on the golf course (if I played golf) in less than three weeks - isn’t the whole package a reasonable pre-requisite? I’ll probably have the surgery this fall and end up coordinating my own post op epidural pain control because all but that will be perfectly safe…. As a resident alien, but non-citizen I also have to weigh the possibility that having potentially debilitating surgery could put me out of work. Even though I’ve paid into SS for decades, I’m not eligable to recoup that insurance I’ve paid & worked for….
Thanks again for all your support.
A nice day yesterday. An hour or more lost weaving through traffic in east Phily, several hours enjoying first the Barnes Museum and then the grounds, and then a driving tour of of neighbourhoods with special memories for John. Today after some talking it’s clear, we’re not a good match. John is sweet, very religeous, very body and health conscious, and I’m just not right for him. Not that I’m not those things either, I’m just not far enough along in recovering the person I was to be right for him. There was no spanking, just a few hugs, and now lots of tears.
So, I’ll spend the rest of today thinking about everything I should have done differently, could have done wiser. I’ll fly back home tomorrow with my optimism and my heart pretty bruised.
Thank you for everyone’s well wishes. It just wasn’t meant to be.
I’m kind of lost in what’s lost at the moment, so it’s wise I just leave it at this. I’m sorry.
Just a quick update to say hi y’all.
The Police concert was just amazing. Until I say the drummer’s collection of tympanic instruments last night I never really grasped just how they acheived the tribal quality their music has always had.
Of course John is pretty amazing too. 
Well in a few minutes we’ll be off for another day seeing sights. Hope every one has had a great week
Well as of when I write this I am @ 42 hours from being touched by the hand of John. LOLOLOL. Probably several hours more than that before any spanking goes on, but truth be told, at this point, I’m really most keen to give him a hug and really begin my 1st away vacation in a while.
Of course there’s the Police concert we’ll enjoy Thursday evening, then possibly a ferry ride to an island on another evening, and a reservations only trip to a museum, and then Church and an evening watching HBO together to catch Bill Maher. Who’ll have time for spankin right? LOLOL! Ah well, there’s always next time. HEHEHEHEHEHE!
What a few weeks this has been. Today went by like a whirlwind, I never even made it to breakfast until 4PM. Got lots done, but not everything I planned. Tomorrow will be the same, I know that, but what will be will be.
The leadership team and medical executive team gave me the nod to hire someone to replace the position that vacated a few weeks ago, the VP of Quality came down for a visit today & reinforced some unpopular messages for me… tomorrow I have an unplanned conference call that’s going to take up hours in the middle of a day that was already chalked too full - hint - the call will be so I can help someone construct a timeline in a case that is already a 44 lb paper record. Gawd! Add to that I have to make sure everyone has what they need to work without me… especially the guy who’s going to make sure my new hire is ready to start ASAP after I get back.
Ever feel like there’s never an end, that deadlines just keep cropping up like looming monsters? I think that’s the boogie man we all imagined as kids ya know? It was our coming adult life channelling into our blissful childish unawareness…. all snarling teeth and sucking tentacles.
I say that in jest just a bit…
Anyway…. not wanting to get off on a tangent that might have been inspired by Larry King’s opening session tonight, I prefer to focus on 42 hours (give or take an hour or so) from now when I will get to wrap my arms around John and we will get to put away everything except enjoying 5 days together.
Just in case it’s a few days before I can get back on line and say hi… Y’all have a great week OK. I’ll try & drop in tomorrow before I leave & maybe if there’s a minute or so while we’re together, but if it’s not in the cards I hope you’ll undersatnd. I love y’all.
Hey & no forgetting the contest either… K?
Add a verse to this limerick which I will illustrate, or…. and this is a new idea, draw an illustration for it that I will post with your name.
I will accept verse and drawings up to August 1, then I will post a web page on Pattysgallery.com with all the entries and a voting poll.
1st - 3rd place will be allowed to request either of the following, an acid free 8 X 10 print of their drawing with this limerick embossed on the matting, or any choice of my drawings printed 8 X 10 on acid free parchment with their verse embossed on the matting.
Dare ya! Here’s the limerick….
There once was a gal fancy free
Who pulled down her panties with glee
Some lovers would slap
While others just tap
The libidinous imp she could be.
Please play.
Post your verses in comments to this post, e-mail your drawings here pattydraws@gmail.com.
good luck
I wrote this the other day… I’ve edited it a bit, it goes with the drawing below …
Lots of women and men for that matter can relate to the theme. We’re all held hostage to body image, whether we’re not the model, or we can’t get past seeking and wanting the model. At some point in our lives all of us get tested by this, and all of us must face those moments when something or someone *imperfect* gives us reason to chose. What we chose and how we chose is ultimately a very personal thing. Judging choices is not the point of bringing up the subject either by the way.
I have several disabled readers, two that I know of who have successfully found lifestyle partners. I have countless readers who like myself struggle with weight (even if for some of us it’s impossible and even unhealthy standards we seek too meet), yet I know more overweight readers who have happy and successful lifestyle relationships than any other group, bar none. The over 40 crowd (all sizes) dominates the feild of singles finding like minded partners on line. Diversity is the norm. So I think the poem has a place.
What’s Been
©july 2007 by pattyRumpled sheets surround
Her body’s burning pain
The confusions that abound
Her worth tested yet again
Deeper in her heart
She questions every though
Having offered them as part
Of what he said he sought
Not knowing what to think
She’s inclined to curl away
Let her heart just shrink
And pray for a new day
The loss may break her heart
Though not for what has been
But what may never start
And promises made lean
By shallow hopes and dreams
That image culture feeds
Human connection so it seems
S’held hostage to these needs
So lost in rumpled sheets
She contemplates what’s been
The ‘never mind’ entreats
‘It’s all good I’m keen(s)’
Enthusiastic lies
He really thought were true
His over zealous tries
To try and change his shoe.
She’d prayed to grasp and hold
Her own weaknesses with in
External stress was bold
It clocked her on the chin
So both of them are flawed
Instead of seeing truth
It seems their hearts they’ve clawed
The blood‘s left to the sluice
It’s not what could have been
It’s what their hearts must do
Get past perfection’s scene
And trust in them as two.
*************************
On another subject. 8 days & 20 hours before I’m touched by the hand of John
It began a most lonely day
Insecurities owning the fray
Where her thoughts were drawn
She felt like their pawn
And then she decided to pray
“Please just let him be well”
~And his heart with love for her swell~
The ~ and~ was not what she prayed
Though her wish for it certainly stayed
Then came the telephone bell
She melted with more than surprise
Happy tears assaulted her eyes
Just guess who it was
Who called just because?
Did God make his handset rise?
Every now and then, little things happen to open my eyes properly and lift me out of my not always good solitary spaces. Don’t get me wrong, I get some of my most human and respected insights when I examine and talk to my inner self, it’s just that I’m not always good company. Well today, when I was about to wander into really toxic self hate & feel sorry for myself territory, and was seeking strength to keep from stepping down into that ditch, my phone rang.
The person I least expected to be there on the other end of the line was there. I’d just invoked the Secret. I needed his voice, I deserved his voice, and wow… There was his voice. Neat! Just what I needed right when I needed it.
Any way here’s a drawing…
I think I got his left arm & right thigh down; gotta do a better job on the smile & laugh lines and his hair & shoulders though… nope, that’s not an accurate depiction of my chubby bottom and darned that I couldn’t get Cowboys to show on her t-shirt. LOL!
Did ya’ll know that F*** is one of John’s favorite words … can’t you just see that word just about to explode from her/my mouth? Eeeep!
How many times must you be told
That you belong safe within His fold
This spanking should teach
Your hot bottom preach
Faith is more precious than Gold.
Been wandering around in the Humor links at Stumbleupon
Enjoyed some landscape photos first and then found Things People Say.
“The toilet seat is cracked. Where do I stand?”
“Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.”
“Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.”
“Thursday night - Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.”
“Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.”
“O come all ye faithful, sin in exultation.”
“After today’s service, coffee and donuts will be served in the basement. Please come down and say hell to the pastor.”
“Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help.”
“Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.”
“Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.”
“Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.”
“Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.”
“Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.”
You just know why these warnings are there too doncha?
“Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft.” — In the manual for a jetski.
“Do not use for drying pets.” — In the manual for a microwave oven.
“Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand.” — In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.
Now this is a weird one….
“Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” — On the packaging for a wristwatch.
And this one is interesting…
“You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.” — On a bag of Fritos.
Heck… you could spend hours laughing if you try all the things people said links. The kids quotes cracked me up….
The only better way to spend an hour would be getting a much needed spankin… or um that other thing consenting adults get up to, and well I’m sure you know what else is fun to do…. enjoy…
[edit… just had to add this one from Words without thought ]
Welcome to the Flippin Church of Christ.” — A sign outside a church in Flippin, Arkansas.
[John will get a kick out of this one..]
“It is indeed fitting that we gather here today to pay tribute to Abraham Lincoln, who was born in a log cabin that he built with his own hands.”
[ok another edit… but my chest literally hurts reading these Language Barrier quotes]
“Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce.” — From a menu in China.
“Buttered saucepans and fried hormones.” — From a menu in Japan.
“Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos.” — From a menu in Cairo.
[ok last edit… maybe… From News Reports ]
“The glamorous 17-year-old wants to be a policewoman some day, like her dad.” — From a New Zealand paper.
“Although as a rider and breeder she has won countless prizes, she says she enjoys an occasional beating.” — From a New Zealand paper.
I had a pretty good week last week. Wednesday was one of those days when it seems like nothing I touched could go wrong. The other night wasn’t quite so good. I encountered some things that really push my disgust bottons, and I came home feeling overwhelmed again. Me being me… well…
Two little e-mail spam offering sort of sum up where my mind is now & where it was the other night….
What I wish I could learn Or at least kept on my mind…. (now)
What I wasn’t smart enough just to hum , but didn’t just hum quietly. (then)
Take all my insecurities about how well I do my job out of the picture, re-word some of the song in link two. S’what John should sing not every time I behave badly, but everytime I stress about not being good enough… Ya think?